


In The Bleak Midwinter

by whilewilde



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Jamie and the time he never got a decent haircut, Other, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Needs a Hug, big sad, implied Jamie and Doctor stuff, major major angst, sad BBC Ghosts inspired soundtrack, the doctor sees his friends again and struggles to say goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29808561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whilewilde/pseuds/whilewilde
Summary: Sometime after The War Games, but not quite before he regenerates, The Doctor dreams of better times, where all of his companions are happy.
Relationships: First Doctor & Vicki Pallister & Steven Taylor, Ian Chesterton & First Doctor & Susan Foreman & Barbara Wright, Ian Chesterton/Barbara Wright, Second Doctor & Ben Jackson & Jamie McCrimmon & Polly Wright, Second Doctor & Jamie McCrimmon, Zoe Heriot & Jamie McCrimmon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5





	In The Bleak Midwinter

The Doctor often wondered if things could ever have been different. He usually did around the Christmas period. It was the best time for those sort of things, he supposed. Whilst most of the world settled down for a day with their nearest and dearest, the unlucky few were left to feel alone more than ever. None more so than The Doctor. He’d had his fill - more than five-hundred years of it in fact - and it never got easier.

Of course, he could always just escape time itself. He had thought of it before, of course. The only problem was that he knew that wherever he ended up, he would  know that it was meant to be Christmas back on Earth - back where  they all were. All experiencing different centuries and different Christmases entirely, but joined together but by that one common thread.

He headed over the control panel, his hand briefly brushing over a number of buttons, before snatching his hand away and sliding it into his pocket. Not today, he thought. Never today.

Crossing the floor and sliding down into a chair placed there all those years ago by dear old Ian Chesterton, he wondered if they remembered him. He’d only had two faces so far and yet so many lives had touched his, changing him immeasurably. Did they feel the same?

If he was ever honest with himself — which he tried to avoid as much as possibly nowadays — he knew that he missed them so much that it practically burnt a whole in his chest. It wasn’t just the physical present, but it was the energy... the very soul of it all.

The TARDIS was so eerily quiet nowadays, and he was almost sure that the machine was grieving in its own small, sad way, wheezing away and trying to find its way back to someone - anyone who knew the dear old Doctor. It had been a close call when the TARDIS had taken an impromptu trip to try and find Jamie again, only for The Doctor to have to fight every cell in his body that told him to stay. It wasn’t his choice anymore, he told the machine.

“Let them get on with it, will you? Now, I know we’re both heartbroken, no more so than me... but that is the way things must be.” He explained, clearing his throat so as to cover his voice beginning to wobble.

Not a single sound came in response. It was silent.

It did make him think though. Did Jamie remember any of it? Did he even remember how he felt, seeing all those different lives and going on all those different adventures? Would he remember what a team they made, alongside Victoria and Zoe? If he remembered, would it make a difference, or would it just break his heart a little more, knowing that he could never go back? Knowing that it was never The Doctor’s choice to have them forget?

The Doctor could never go back to either of them, not now. It would be so cruel yet so easy to reintroduce them into his world, never quite reconnecting in the way they had when they first met. He would always know more of their lives than they did, and that was a burden he did not want to carry. No, he had been told once to not meddle with time, so perhaps it was time to give it all up.

Closing his eyes just for a moment, he allowed himself to go further back. Did Polly and Ben ever get their happy ending back home on Earth? Was Dodo ever happy? Was Vicki? Did Steven really make the right decision in staying where he was?

What about dear old Chesterton and Barbara Wright? Above all else, The Doctor hoped they got the happy ending they deserved. He thought that they were doomed when they first met. After all, he acted selfishly and treated them as though they were children. More than anything else, The Doctor hoped they knew it was because he wanted to keep them safe.

It never worked, of course. They taught the Doctor a trick or two about growing up, and being kind-hearted all the same. He imagined that Barbara was the Head of the school by now, because she certainly could manage it. Ian was perhaps the same old science teacher, telling the children all these fantastic stories about a mad old man with a box. They’d never believe him of course, but it was alright. He knew he was telling the truth.

Susan was the only one he knew he got right. It was her time to go, even if she didn’t yet realise it. He would come back, of course, even if it took thousands upon thousands of years. She would be just fine, he knew.

No sound would stir The Doctor now, lost in his own world of what if’s and fantasies, his head resting on his hand, rendering his raven black hair more unruly than it usually was. In his world, he heard Zoe and Jamie bickering and was that... the sound of The Beatles? Then there was that old ragtime piano arrangement, fit for a Western saloon.

“Now Steven I really think you should save us from all that. Aye, that’s it, put the music sheet down.” Jamie’s voice shouted from across the control room, making The Doctor chuckle.

It was always like this in his dreams. At first, he didn’t know Time Lords  could actually dream, and rather he assumed he was going mad. Just in case, The Doctor never opened his eyes. He knew it was silly, but it was the idea that if he ever broke away from one of these by choice, he would never see them all again.

“Oh do come on Doctor! You’ve been sleeping for quite a while now.” There was Zoe. Clever, clever Zoe. The only person who could give The Doctor a run for his money.

“Slept for so long he’s become someone else entirely! You know I quite miss our Doctor, don’t you Barabara?” Came Ian’s voice from the right of the sleeping Doctor.

“Oh do leave him alone Ian!” Barbara hissed, and The Doctor could swear he heard her reach out and gently smack his arm.

“Well, I think it’s the same man, really. You’ll love him, I promise.” Victoria answered.

“Shall I wake him?” Jamie asked, followed by a number of shushing’s and ‘no’s’

“Right, well, I’m going to wake him then.” He announced, much to everyone else’s annoyance.

The Doctor hated this part. It meant it was time to wake up, either because the TARDIS had landed somewhere it shouldn’t be, or there was imminent danger ahead. He felt like a child being awoken for school, wishing for five more minutes. After all, it was Christmas, wasn’t it? That should count for something.

A firm hand on his wrist jolted him awake to the sight of what appeared to be a bundle of hair. The Doctor grabbed the figure by the shoulders, only for it to emit a mighty cry and lift its head.

“What did ya do that for?!” Jamie shouted,furrowing his brow in confusion.

It was unmistakably his Jamie. In fact, as he peered around the room, every single voice belonged to its rightful owner. Barbara and Ian were sat either side of him, smiling at each other in delight, as if they had been waiting thousands of years for this meeting.

“Well, I - uh, suppose this is one of those hyper-realistic dreams now, Jamie. If you are Jamie... and oh! Forgive me, dear Chesterton and Barbara! It sort of all feels too real to be a dream.” The Doctor replied, scratching his head in confusion but making no effort to stand up from the chair.

Ian clapped a hand on his shoulder and stood up, gently ushering Barbara away with him so as to give him space. Zoe instantly filled the empty space, smiling as wide as she possibly could, and full of the joys of Spring.

“Now, Zoe, The Doctor says this here is a dream! I mean I know I’m handsome, eh, Doctor but really?” Jamie chuckled as Zoe nudged his stomach with her elbow in reply to his retort.

“Oh, I suppose it really is you, isn’t it?” The Doctor asked quietly, reaching out and taking Zoe’s hand.

It all felt far too real to be a dream.

“It really is us, Doctor. We couldn’t not come back and see you, could we?” She asked, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Maybe he’s not well.” Steven suggested, always the most practical of the group.

“He’s fine! Mind you, with that haircut-“

“Ben!”

“Alright Polly, was just trying to lighten the mood.”

The Doctor, with the help of Jamie and Zoe, rose to his feet. He felt in his breast pocket and brought out his handkerchief, swabbing at his forehead to rid himself of the sweat that must’ve been practically pouring off of him. There they were. Polly, Ben, Victoria and Vicki arguing about something or other, Ian and Barbara off in their old little world, Steven and Dodo inspecting the TARDIS, and then there was Jamie and Zoe. Always by his side.

“A bit overwhelming, isn’t it, Doctor?” Jamie mumbled, trying his best to support the Doctor in case he should fall.

“No, no... it’s quite... wonderful. In fact, I think it’s the nicest dream I’ve ever had.” He was sure he noticed Zoe roll her eyes, but rather than angering him it made him chuckle. That was his Zoe.

“Well, I promise we’ll be out of your hair in a few hours! Can’t say the same about those two though, they seem determined to stay.” Steven explained, breaking from his argument for a split second.

“Hey! Fat chance we’re leaving you! Think you’ll struggle to get rid of us, Doctor.” Jamie exclaimed, grinning like a child on Christmas.

There it was, the slight catch that reminded him that he could never quite escape reality. Of course they would’ve said ‘again’ had they been real. The universe had just been particularly cruel this year, making it feel just that but more real. How disappointing it was to think that you are somewhere better, only to find it a trick of the light.

“Tell me, Jamie, Zoe... if you knew something was over quite soon, and that you had to say goodbye all over again, would you bother? I mean, would you stay? Or would you just try to wake up and not bother with goodbyes?” The Doctor asked, now clinging to his companions just to remember their touch.

“I think so, Doctor. We all have to say goodbye eventually, and you’ve lived for a long time. Maybe it’s time to get used to them after all?” Zoe replied, smiling as she remembered every time the kind hearted Doctor had never wanted to say goodbye.

“Tell me, were you all happy?” The Doctor asked, addressing the room for the first time.

When he tried to focus on the occupants, they suddenly were fuzzy caricatures, blending with the real world and being lost forever. The Doctor wished he could reach out and touch them, or at least hear a response to the question he had spent years torturing himself over. There came a brief silence, before the reply of his companions.

“Listen, Doctor. They were all fine. Happy, even.” Zoe began to explain.

“Aye! And Ian even tried and writing your adventures down in books, the cheeky bugger! You should claim copywright, Doctor! ‘Doctor Who’ he calls it.” Jamie scoffed, rolling his eyes in mock annoyance.

“And what about you two?” The Doctor mumbled, clutching their hands until he thought his hands might break from the force entirely.

“Well, I think the question you’re really trying to ask is if we remembered you. Of course we did. Don’t ask me how because I’m not even sure I could work this one out, but we’re grateful all the same.” Zoe explained, hugging her body against his.

“We were better people for having known you, Doctor.”

“And I was always better for doing the same, you two. Oh, I shall miss you.” The Doctor replied, wishing that he would wake up sometime soon.

“Don’t get all soppy on me now Doctor! Remember, don’t travel alone, you need protection.” Jamie advised, scowling.

“And start getting better at those goodbyes, dear old Doctor.”

“I shan’t. If I don’t maybe it will mean someone will stay forever. Oh, wouldn’t that be lovely?” Even as The Doctor said it, he knew he was lying to himself. It wasn’t in his nature to be selfish like that. If ever they wanted to go, he would do his best to get them where they wanted to be dropped off at.

“Doctor, sometimes it’s better to move on knowing they were happy, eh? I mean, don’t abandon them completely. A couple of New Years visits would be quite nice... but remember, you’ve shown us the universe, Doctor. How could we ever be angry at you for saying goodbye?” Jamie tightened his grip on the Doctor’s arm now, as if to sense that this was the last time he would ever be able to do it.

“I don’t think I shall ever get used to this.” The Doctor partly whispered, to no one in particular.

With that, The Doctor was alone once again. The TARDIS was eerily quiet besides an ancient piano, somewhere quite out of place and far from home, playing the sad chords of ‘In The Bleak Midwinter.’ He pushed aside the black cloud that now hung over his mind, finding his way to the controls and smiling as he imagined Zoe and Jamie right there with him, teasing each other and laughing at The Doctor trying to navigate the machine.

Feeling an aching pressure on both his arms, he rolled up his sleeves to reveal two faint red marks - one larger on his left side, one smaller on his right. The last reminder that they would never forget their Doctor.

No, he decided, Christmas certainly wasn’t for him. At least, not now, when he had left so much behind. For now, there was a new adventure awaiting him. 


End file.
